I thought I would never do this. I told myself I would never do this. I thought I would never take something so real and so personal and so heartbreaking, and then make it so public. But I know that one of the only things that helped me going through the heartbreak was that there were other people who were willing to share their story and allow me to know that I wasn't alone. So, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and against my better judgment, here is my story that I wrote and said I wouldn't share. But I realized it does' thane to be a secret and someone else may need to hear. To hear they aren't alone, to hear they aren't stupid or overly emotional because their heart feels broken and feels like it may never mend. I'm not one to share a bunch of personal business with a big crowd, but I know how thankful I was that there were people willing to share their heart. So here's mine.
On January 3, 2014 we were filled with complete surprise and
joy to find out we were pregnant. It was completely unexpected but we were so
happy and could not wait for our family to grow. I began having some problems
at about 6 weeks and was uneasy about the pregnancy. I had an early ultrasound
which showed the baby had a heartbeat. We had a follow up ultrasound that
showed the heartbeat had increased and the baby was growing. On February 1,
2014 we told our families we were expecting. Then on February 6, 2014 my world
fell apart. We went for a follow up ultrasound and there was no longer a
heartbeat. The ultrasound tech wouldn’t let me look at the screen and she was
silent. I knew. I knew that we had lost our baby. I was 8.5 weeks. Up until
this point in my life I had not really known much heartache. I had never had to
deal with tragedy of really any kind of
significance. I had an easy life. At that moment my first thought was
not to praise God. It was not understanding that God had a bigger plan. It was anger and frustration and severe
disappointment. It was heart break. And I didn’t know how I was going to go on.
I felt like I had lost a piece of myself. I didn’t feel like anyone understood.
I had a D&C the next day. I recovered fine physically, mentally I was a wreck. I didn’t feel like I had the energy
or desire to be a good wife to Jacob or a mom to Jake. I’m not sure how many
days Jacob completely took care of Jake by himself. I know I stayed in bed for
2 or 3 days all day and just cried. I went back to work that next week and I
can’t explain how hard it was to keep it together. I felt like a few days
before I had a sweet life inside of me, and now it was just gone. I had a hard
time dealing with what happened to my baby, and what happened to it once they
“took it out of me.” I was completely broken.
Well-meaning people tried to give comfort by explaining what
they thought the cause of miscarriage was. I heard that this baby was “too good
for this earth, so it went straight to heaven.” I heard that “God needed
another angel with Him.” And I heard that “there was probably something wrong
with the baby and that’s just nature’s way of dealing with it.” The honest
truth is, God doesn’t need my baby in heaven with Him. The truth is that if
there was something wrong with my baby, I would have loved it anyway. It
wouldn’t change my feelings for that child. The real truth is that the real
reason this happened is because we live in a broken world. We live in a world
wrecked by sin, and because of what happened in the Garden all those years ago
nothing is perfect anymore. And until we are with Jesus the result of that
first sin is a fractured and broken world. And broken is exactly how I felt. I
felt empty and hopeless. And scared for the future. I was paralyzed by fear. I can’t even count how many nights I cried,
and how many times I told Jacob I would
never be ready to try for another baby. I thought this was it for me. I thought
I could never have the peace or strength to want to try again. I knew I
couldn’t go through it again. But God
was teaching me that I’m not in control. He knew what I needed more than I did.
And now we are pregnant again. And I am
scared to death. And most days I worry that I will have to go through all the
pain again. But I know that God is in
control, and I am not. And I am trying to enjoy the moments I am given with
this little life.
We named the baby we lost. We named her Anna. I say “her” because I just knew she was a
girl. Anna means “God is gracious.” We
named her Anna because we felt like we needed that reminder. I needed that reminder. I needed to
remember every time I thought of her that God IS good, and He IS gracious. Even
when I don’t feel that way. Even when I feel like it is unfair and my heart is
broken, HE is showing grace to me. We planted a tree in her honor just outside
of what would have been her bedroom at our home so we can tell her brother
about her when he is old enough to understand.
I know that this will be something I deal with for the rest
of my life. September 13, 2014 was her due date. And it was a hard day. But the
new little life inside me as well as Jacob and my sweet Jake helped make it
better. She was my child from the moment we found out she was growing inside
me, and she will be my child forever. And I know we will meet her in heaven on
day. I routinely think of her during sermons, worship, driving in my car, going
to sleep at night, and honestly every time I see a pregnant woman or a new
baby. Even though another one is on the way, this child will never replace the
one we lost. No child can replace that hurt in a mother. It is hard to
understand unless you’ve been there. And I felt like no one really understood,
and sometimes that made me bitter and mad at others for just “not getting it.”
I know I can’t expect other people to understand, but God does understand. I
had someone tell me right after the loss, that there is no “right way” to
grieve. I believe this to be true. What others see as possibly insignificant
may be completely wrecking your world. And that’s how I felt.
There were a few songs that really helped me through this
time, and now they have such meaning to me.
OCEANS
You call me out upon the
waters
The great unknown where feet
may fail
And there I find You in the
mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your
name
And keep my eyes above the
waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your
embrace
For I am Yours and You are
mine
Your grace abounds in deepest
waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear
surrounds me
You've never failed and You
won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the
waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your
embrace
For I am Yours and You are
mine
Spirit lead me where my trust
is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet
could ever wander
And my faith will be made
stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your
embrace
I am
Yours and You are mine
HOPE NOW
If everything comes down to
love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my
soul
How quickly I forget I'm
Yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith
somehow
When the world has broken me
down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is
the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the
storm
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith
somehow
When the world has broken me
down
Your love sets me free
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith
somehow
When the world has broken me
down
Your love sets me free
You've become my hearts
desire
I will sing Your praises
higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
If everything comes down to
love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my
soul
How quickly I forget I'm
Yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith
somehow
When the world has broken me
down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is
the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the
storm
GOD IS GOD
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once
called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the
dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but
fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the
picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and
wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and
count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first
and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How
unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is
worthy of worship alone
