loss.

I thought I would never do this. I told myself I would never do this. I thought I would never take something so real and so personal and so heartbreaking, and then make it so public. But I know that one of the only things that helped me going through the heartbreak was that there were other people who were willing to share their story and allow me to know that I wasn't alone. So, in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and against my better judgment, here is my story that I wrote and said I wouldn't share. But I realized it does' thane to be a secret and someone else may need to hear. To hear they aren't alone, to hear they aren't stupid or overly emotional because their heart feels broken and feels like it may never mend. I'm not one to share a bunch of personal business with a big crowd, but I know how thankful I was that there were people willing to share their heart. So here's mine.

On January 3, 2014 we were filled with complete surprise and joy to find out we were pregnant. It was completely unexpected but we were so happy and could not wait for our family to grow. I began having some problems at about 6 weeks and was uneasy about the pregnancy. I had an early ultrasound which showed the baby had a heartbeat. We had a follow up ultrasound that showed the heartbeat had increased and the baby was growing. On February 1, 2014 we told our families we were expecting. Then on February 6, 2014 my world fell apart. We went for a follow up ultrasound and there was no longer a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech wouldn’t let me look at the screen and she was silent. I knew. I knew that we had lost our baby. I was 8.5 weeks. Up until this point in my life I had not really known much heartache. I had never had to deal with tragedy of really any kind of  significance. I had an easy life. At that moment my first thought was not to praise God. It was not understanding that God had a bigger plan.  It was anger and frustration and severe disappointment. It was heart break. And I didn’t know how I was going to go on. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself. I didn’t feel like anyone understood. I had a D&C the next day. I recovered fine physically, mentally I was  a wreck. I didn’t feel like I had the energy or desire to be a good wife to Jacob or a mom to Jake. I’m not sure how many days Jacob completely took care of Jake by himself. I know I stayed in bed for 2 or 3 days all day and just cried. I went back to work that next week and I can’t explain how hard it was to keep it together. I felt like a few days before I had a sweet life inside of me, and now it was just gone. I had a hard time dealing with what happened to my baby, and what happened to it once they “took it out of me.” I was completely broken.

Well-meaning people tried to give comfort by explaining what they thought the cause of miscarriage was. I heard that this baby was “too good for this earth, so it went straight to heaven.” I heard that “God needed another angel with Him.” And I heard that “there was probably something wrong with the baby and that’s just nature’s way of dealing with it.” The honest truth is, God doesn’t need my baby in heaven with Him. The truth is that if there was something wrong with my baby, I would have loved it anyway. It wouldn’t change my feelings for that child. The real truth is that the real reason this happened is because we live in a broken world. We live in a world wrecked by sin, and because of what happened in the Garden all those years ago nothing is perfect anymore. And until we are with Jesus the result of that first sin is a fractured and broken world. And broken is exactly how I felt. I felt empty and hopeless. And scared for the future. I was paralyzed by fear.  I can’t even count how many nights I cried, and how many times I told Jacob  I would never be ready to try for another baby. I thought this was it for me. I thought I could never have the peace or strength to want to try again. I knew I couldn’t go through it again.  But God was teaching me that I’m not in control. He knew what I needed more than I did. And now we are pregnant again.  And I am scared to death. And most days I worry that I will have to go through all the pain again.  But I know that God is in control, and I am not. And I am trying to enjoy the moments I am given with this little life.

We named the baby we lost. We named her Anna.  I say “her” because I just knew she was a girl. Anna means “God is gracious.”  We named her Anna because we felt like we needed that reminder. I needed that reminder. I needed to remember every time I thought of her that God IS good, and He IS gracious. Even when I don’t feel that way. Even when I feel like it is unfair and my heart is broken, HE is showing grace to me. We planted a tree in her honor just outside of what would have been her bedroom at our home so we can tell her brother about her when he is old enough to understand.

I know that this will be something I deal with for the rest of my life. September 13, 2014 was her due date. And it was a hard day. But the new little life inside me as well as Jacob and my sweet Jake helped make it better. She was my child from the moment we found out she was growing inside me, and she will be my child forever. And I know we will meet her in heaven on day. I routinely think of her during sermons, worship, driving in my car, going to sleep at night, and honestly every time I see a pregnant woman or a new baby. Even though another one is on the way, this child will never replace the one we lost. No child can replace that hurt in a mother. It is hard to understand unless you’ve been there. And I felt like no one really understood, and sometimes that made me bitter and mad at others for just “not getting it.” I know I can’t expect other people to understand, but God does understand. I had someone tell me right after the loss, that there is no “right way” to grieve. I believe this to be true. What others see as possibly insignificant may be completely wrecking your world. And that’s how I felt.

There were a few songs that really helped me through this time, and now they have such meaning to me. 

OCEANS

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

                    I am Yours and You are mine

     HOPE NOW

If everything comes down to love

Then just what am I afraid of

When I call out Your name

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok and

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire

I will sing Your praises higher

Cause Your love sets me free

Your love sets me free

Your love sets me free

If everything comes down to love

Then just what am I afraid of

When I call out Your name

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok and

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

GOD IS GOD

And the pain falls like a curtain 
On the things I once called certain 
And I have to say the words I fear the most 
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers 
Come and paralyze the dancer 
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move 
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must 
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not 
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting 
God is God and I am man 
So I’ll never understand it all 
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder 
And I’m filled with awe and wonder 
‘Til the only burning question that remains 
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain 
Take the stars in hand and count them 
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me 
He is first and last before all that has been 
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge 
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne 
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone